President of France
Have you noticed how sad François Hollande has looked ever since he and his live-in girlfriend broke up?
Hey, I know—let’s set him up with someone!
Now, it won’t be easy finding the perfect woman for François Hollande. But no one ever said that matchmaking was easy. Or if they did, they probably meant “match making.” Match making is very easy. All you have to do is set a stick on fire and, voilà! You’ve got a match!
The challenge here is that Hollande has to marry another head of state. As the president of France, it is his responsibility to secure dynastic alliances so that France will be well-positioned to invade England (again).
So let’s start with the obvious choice: German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Technically she’s a head of government and not a head of state, but fortunately no one cares about this stupid distinction. Plus, look at all of this sexual tension:
Unfortunately, Angela Merkel is already living the fairytale dream of being married to a handsome theoretical chemist. And right now, we’re trying to get heads of state together, not break up their marriages. (We’ll do that next week!)
So let’s review our other options and see who François Hollande has the most chemistry with.
Park Geun-hye, President of South Korea
Michelle Bachelet, President of Chile
My arch nemesis Dalia Grybauskaitė, President of Lithuania
NEVER! I WILL NEVER HELP YOU FIND LOVE DALIA GRYBAUSKAITĖ!
Dilma Rousseff, President of Brazil
And there it is.
OK! Now all that’s left is to convince François Hollande and Dilma Rousseff to go on a date and then go on several more dates and then get married!!!! Since I already did the hard work of finding François Hollande’s soul mate, I’m going to let you handle this part.
Honestly, you really need to start pulling your weight around here, internet readers.