President Trump news clip

1. Excitement.

This has been the most exciting political campaign in human history. Now just imagine what a Trump presidency will be like. He’ll do wacky stunts every time media attention shifts away from him for even a few hours. Like put America back on the gold standard! Hold an Apprentice-like contest in which world leaders compete to see which of their countries isn’t nuked! Unexpectedly resign from office! Every single day of a Trump presidency, people will ask themselves, “Man, what kind of crazy stuff will the most powerful person on the planet do next?” (Which obviously is a good thing.)

Magic Ball Outlook Not So Good

2. You’re a Republican.

You don’t like Donald Trump. But you’re a Republican, so you have to vote for him. I’m sorry but that’s the law! Let’s just hope a Magic 8-ball or toaster or a toenail clipping or something doesn’t get the nomination next time around. (But still—better than Hillary, amirite?)

Stephen Breyer

Steve Petteway / Collection of the Supreme Court of the United States

3. You’re a conservative, and you want those sweet, sweet Supreme Court seats.

As many as…well, I guess as many as nine Supreme Court seats might come open during the next president’s administration.  You can’t let Hillary appoint those justices! Just look at who her husband appointed: Stephen Breyer. Ugh, Breyer! He is the WORST!

So to get conservative justices on the bench, you need to put a conservative in the White House. Sure, you might not like the thought of voting for someone who boasts about seducing married women, or claims to have studied “Two Corinthians,” or brags during presidential debates about his…manhood. But at the end of the day you want a principled conservative to nominate those justices, right? And Donald Trump is…well, actually I’ve lost the thread of this argument. Let’s move on.

Woman waking up

4. Renewed sense of purpose and meaning in your life.

You know how people who narrowly avoid death feel exhilarated simply at being alive? Under a Trump administration, you will feel that way every single morning when you wake up and realize the world didn’t end in a cauldron of nuclear fire overnight. Speaking of which…


National Nuclear Security Administration / Nevada Site Office

5. Bring on Armageddon.

You’re probably going to heaven, right? I mean, you’re reading this website, so you can’t be all bad. Well, why wait? Let’s put Donald Trump’s tiny finger on the button and get things moving.

Pollice Verso, 1872 painting by Jean-Léon Gérôme

6. Roman Empire > Roman Republic.

The Roman Empire was thrilling. Caligula! The Colosseum! Hadrian’s Wall! On the other hand, the Roman Republic brought us…what? Can you name one thing? Honestly the most interesting thing about the Roman Republic was the assassination of Julius Caesar, which barely counts. In the interest of excitement, it’s time we got this whole republic phase of American history over with and moved on to the next chapter. Which, if nothing else, promises to have a lot of walls.

Teenage Girl Being Bullied By Text Message

7. Nerds.

What if a nerd shows up in America and we need someone to make fun of them? Trump is ready to take that 3 am call where someone says, “Mr. President, wake up! We need you to humiliate someone!” (Although honestly, if Trump thinks that call is coming, he’ll be too excited to sleep.)


8. Shake up a broken and corrupted system.

Washington has been corrupted by the rich buying influence. To fix it, we need a billionaire with a long history of buying influence. It’s just like firefighting: When you’re confronting a huge fire, you don’t need a firefighter. Their whole job depends on the continued existence of fires! What you need is an arsonist, who has been setting fires for years and knows how the system works from the inside. And this time, you can trust him to fight fires instead of setting them, because

Let Me Show Our New Model.

9. Changing the subject!

Trump loves changing the subject, sometimes mid-sentence. It’s how you know he’s unscripted and honest. Well that, and the way he is always saying “believe me.” Only honest people constantly assure you that you can trust them. Believe me!

Donald Trump news clip

10. Fight racism.

Trump isn’t a racist. Just ask him! He’ll be the first to tell you that he is “the least racist person you’ve ever met.” And you’ll feel a little embarrassed you didn’t already know that.

But even though Donald Trump is the least racist person you’ve ever met, he is somehow able to connect with the white nationalist community better than…well, probably better than anyone you’ve ever met! Even when it comes to attracting political support from racists, Donald Trump can’t help but win. So just imagine what it’ll be like when he starts telling his racist fans that they need to open their hearts and change their ways. Man, it is really going to blow those racists’ minds. I can’t wait!