Richard Nixon recorded all of his Oval Office conversations, and the transcripts from these secret tapes are an nonstop explosion of profound wisdom and keen observations about the human condition. If you’ve ever read through the transcripts yourself, you probably thought, “If only this guy had his own relationship advice column!” Well, all of your wildest dreams are about to come true.Here are (fake) relationship questions answered by (real) quotes from Nixon, as recorded on his secret White House tapes.
NOTE: Richard Nixon’s relationship advice might not be suitable for young children, unless they are seeking bigoted, profanity-laced relationship advice.
Dear Mr. President,
I have a sticky situation that I’m hoping you can help me with. I know it’s wrong, but I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend. The other guy has written me a bunch of love letters, and I keep them in my bedroom. The problem is that my boyfriend is housesitting for me, and I forgot to hide the letters beforehand! What should I do?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Goddamn it, get in and get those files. Blow the safe and get them. The way I want that handled is…just to break in. Break in and take it out! You understand?…You are to break into the place, rifle the files, and bring them out…Just go in and take it! Go in around eight or nine o’clock. And clean it up.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
My fiance and I are getting married in a couple of months. We’re merging our finances, but we disagree about how to file our taxes. I think we should hire an accountant. But my fiance wants to handle it all by himself. Who should we use to do our taxes? And relatedly, should we use that person to go after our enemies?
Jane
Dear Jane,
I want to make sure he is a ruthless son of a bitch, do what he’s told, that every income tax I want to see I see, that he will go after our enemies and not our friends. Now it’s as simple as that. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t get the job.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
I haven’t come out to my parents yet. I’m thinking about doing it at my sister’s wedding, but at the same time, I’m worried that telling them in the middle of all the commotion around the wedding will be like dropping a nuclear bomb on them.
Henry
Dear Henry,
A nuclear bomb, does that bother you?…I just want you to think big, Henry, for Christ’s sake! The only place where you and I disagree is with regard to the bombing. You’re so goddamned concerned about civilians, and I don’t give a damn. I don’t care.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
My fiance Patrick and I are planning our wedding. He thinks we should have a cash bar at the reception, but I think we should shell out for an open bar. What do you think? Also, I’m worried he’s lying about being Irish. How can I tell if someone is “real Irish,” to coin a bizarre phrase?
Lydia
Dear Lydia,
The Irish can’t drink. What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
I’m facing a really tough dilemma. I’m in my senior year of high school, and I just got early acceptance to Brown University. It’s a pretty big opportunity, because I’ve always wanted to live in Rhode Island. But my boyfriend wants me stay in my hometown, where he says he will “educate me in love.” What should I do?
George
Dear George,
They’re finished. The Ivy League schools are finished … They came out against us when it was tough … Don’t ever go to an Ivy League school again, ever. Never, never, never.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
Is it ok to swear? It feels like everyone swears, so I’m not too worried about it. But at the same time, I want to make sure that my femininity remains firmly intact, like a tight iron mask.
Mary
Dear Mary,
We all do it. We all swear. But you show me a girl that swears and I’ll show you an awful unattractive person. . . . I mean, all femininity is gone. And none of the smart girls do swear, incidentally.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
I met a guy online and we’ve been talking for a few months now. He wants to move in together, but I’d like to spend more time in person getting to know each other. Do you think it’s important to meet someone on-on-one and get to know them? And as a former president, can you share some inspiring words about the indomitable spirit of the American people?
Caroline
Dear Caroline,
The American people are suckers. “Getting to know you”—all that bullshit.
Sincerely,
Dick
Dear Mr. President,
My boyfriend and I are planning our first long vacation together, but we can’t agree on where to go. I want to go to New York and visit museums and see Broadway shows, but my boyfriend wants to go camping and fishing in the country. I love my boyfriend, but I really don’t want to spend a week in the country.
Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I’m going to destroy the goddamn country, believe me, I mean destroy it if necessary. And let me say, even the nuclear weapons if necessary. It isn’t necessary. But, you know, what I mean is, what shows you the extent to which I’m willing to go.
Sincerely,
Dick
Do you have a question you’d like to ask Richard Nixon’s secret White House tapes? Send it to jdandkateindustries@gmail.com and we might use it for a future Nixon advice column!