President of Argentina
Cristina Fernández de Kirchner is the president of Argentina and the only head of state who knows how to properly apply eyeliner. (Here’s a tip: You put on a lot. I mean, a LOT. There. Now you look great! Like a sexy panda.)
But while her eyeliner somehow keeps looking better and better, in every other respect 2015 has not been a great year for the lovely Argentine president. Let’s take a moment to review all of the things that are going wrong for Cristina Fernández de Kirchner right now.
(Note: Do not read this list if you are Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. It will just get you down!)
- Argentina’s economy is…well, it’s not doing so great. But then again, whose is? No, really. Is there any country whose economy is doing great right now? Because if so, let’s all move there and live off the fat of the land!
- Just to be clear, I didn’t mean that literally. I’m not moving anywhere just to eat a bunch of land fat.
- Kirchner might have helped Iran cover up its alleged involvement in the 1994 bombing of a Jewish cultural center in Buenos Aires. An Argentine prosecutor said he had proof of a cover-up, but in a weird coincidence, now he’s dead.
- Reports that Kirchner adopted a young Jewish boy in order to prevent him from becoming a werewolf are apparently, false. Which I guess means that the boy did turn into a werewolf after all.
- Then there’s this whole thing that I won’t even get into, except to say—haven’t all of us, at one time or another, accidentally offended 1.3 billion Chinese people?
All in all, it feels like nothing is going right for Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. But what should she do about it? Should she resign her position as president of Argentina? Should she move to America and come be my new sassy best friend and teach me how to use a curling iron?
Yes! That’s a great idea!
Now I wish I hadn’t told Cristina Fernández de Kirchner not to read this.