Theresa May

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It feels like only yesterday that David Cameron was the prime minister of the UK, Britain was part of the EU, and JD had not yet forgotten to take our trash down to the curb. But now everything has changed: Someone named Theresa May is prime minister of the UK, Britain is on the verge of leaving the EU, and the garbage truck has come and gone while the trash pile-up in our house grows rapidly out of control.

If you haven’t been following the situation in Britain, allow me to break it down for you in terms that anyone can understand. Basically it’s as if David Cameron failed to take the trash out even though Theresa May tells him all the time that WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS TRASH NIGHT. But David Cameron said that he would do it later and then he forgot, and now Theresa May has to live inside of a house full of trash.

So here is a run-down of everything you need to know about Theresa May. (It’s pretty short because you don’t actually need to know anything about Theresa May, unless you are her biographer.)

  • A lot of commentators are comparing Theresa May to Margaret Thatcher, because people can’t help but notice that they are both women.
  • May has been called “a bloody difficult woman,” which is actually true of almost everyone in politics, but when it’s a man no one feels compelled to point it out. Everyone just assumes that male politicians will be both difficult and constantly drenched in blood.

Although she has a difficult job ahead of her, I am very happy to welcome Theresa May to the realm of people of whose existence I am aware. Even from my vantage point sitting atop this pile of trash bags, it is nice to see the UK elect a female prime minister. (Well, “elect.”) I am not one of those women who hates all other woman and tries to sabotage them by, for example, giving them copies of Lean In and then stealing their jobs while they are busy reading a book. Instead, I like to support women by giving them unsolicited makeup tips.

So let me be the first to say good luck, Theresa May, with whatever it is that you’re planning to do! (I am the first one to tell you ‘good luck,’ right? Did anyone else think of that?) I hope you navigate Britain’s exit from the European Union as smoothly as someone attempting to exit their house by tunneling underneath a mountain of garbage.