Alert! We wrote a book. The title is Hottest Heads of State, Volume 1: The American Presidents. It is coming out on January 30, 2018, and you can buy it right this second.
But first, perhaps you have some questions.
Frequently Asked Questions about our Upcoming Book
Q: What is a book?
A: There is only one way to find out, and it is to buy our book.
Q: How does one write a book?
A: You open a new document on your computer and start typing, and before you know it, you’ve written a book!
Q: What is your book about?
A: It is about the U.S. presidents.
Q: Will reading this book make me an expert on presidential history?
A: It will make you a very specific sort of presidential expert. You’ll know a lot about the president’s physiques, for example, and the circumstances under which they met their mistresses.
That’s right—every book comes with a free Dwight D. Eisenhower mask! Most other books will make you pay extra for a Dwight D. Eisenhower mask, but we think that’s tacky.
Q: What qualifies you to write this book? Are you historians?
A: Hmm. Next question.
Q: Does the book include all 44 presidents?
A: Yes! Even George Washington.
Q: Was it exciting for you when Donald Trump won the presidential election and you realized you were going to have to write a section about him, too?
A: Yes that was great thanks for bringing it up.
Q: Is the book appropriate for kids?
A: It is about as appropriate as a PG-13 movie. So, in that respect, it is comparable to Crocodile Dundee.
Q: Does your book make a good gift?
A: It makes a good gift for anyone who knows how to read.
Actually, we take that back. It’s a good gift for anyone. There are lots of fun things an illiterate person can do with a book. 1) Build a fort. 2) Papier Mache. 3) Demonstrate physical strength by tearing in half. 4) Hold in front of face to feign literacy, perhaps while on a date.
We could go on, but you get the idea.
Q: What if I want to give your book as a Christmas gift, but I can’t because your book doesn’t come out until after Christmas?
A: Because we are able to anticipate your every need, we designed these amazing placeholder gifts that you can print out, wrap in a deceptively large box, and give to friends, family, co-workers, mailmen, etc., on the December holiday of your choice.
Then, when our book arrives on their doorstep one gray, dreary day in late January/early February, long after they forgot it was coming, they will feel like it is Christmas all over again, and you will be hailed as a hero.
Q: But what if I don’t have a printer?
A: Have FedEx print it out for you. They have really nice printers, and you want to do this thing right.
Q: Can I print it out really large and mount it a piece of foam core board and then deliver it to the recipient like a giant novelty check?
A: Yes.
Q: What can I do to help your book succeed?
A: Do you mean besides buying it? Well, to help us build buzz, you can visit your local bookstore and ask if they’re going to carry it. Then, go back and do it again, but this time wearing a disguise and faking an accent. Repeat until your boss notices you’ve stopped coming to work.
Alternatively, if you’re in a position to award us a National Book Award or Man Booker Prize or something similar, that would also be helpful.
Q: I would love to read your book. But these days I really only read ebooks, while I’m hiding in the bathroom at work.
A: That’s fine! Our book is also available digitally. (It is not available as an audiobook. But for the right price we’ll just get on the phone and read the whole thing to you, possibly in fake accents.)
Q: Will I like this book?
A: I mean…if you’ve read this far, then yes, almost certainly.
How can you resist this tiny photo of Herbert Hoover?
Q: OK, I’m convinced. Where can I buy this book?
A: Just about anywhere books are sold. For example:
Q: Why would I preorder the book when I can just buy it in stores on January 30?
A: Three reasons.
1) Are you going to be able to sleep at night knowing that if you don’t preorder the book, it might sell out and you’ll have to wait for the second or third printing? Don’t be one of those people camped out on the sidewalk in front of Barnes & Noble, shivering in the January cold, waiting for our book to be released.
2) We’re going to hold a sweepstakes in which people who have preordered the book will have the opportunity to win amazing and bizarre prizes. (Like any sweepstakes, purchase won’t actually be necessary to enter. But still, we’re doing it for people who preorder, as an expression of our love for them.)
3) Are you really 100% confident that bookstores will still exist on January 30? If you preorder now, then if something catastrophic happens before the book comes out, you will at least have the solace of knowing that before civilization fell, you gave us some money.
Q: Is there going to be a Volume Two?
A: I don’t want to get all heavy on you, but that really depends on you and how many people you tell about Volume One.