I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.
(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)
Global Warming Candle
We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.
Martian Colony Candle
Speaking of global warming, we are betting that interest in living on Mars will grow as interest in living on Earth declines.
Random Coworker Candle
The perfect gift for a random coworker, perhaps as part of an office white elephant gift-exchange, or as a going-away present if they get fired.
Ozymandias Candle
No, not the Breaking Bad episode! The only thing our candles have to do with Breaking Bad is that they would be great way to smuggle meth. (But we are NOT smuggling meth inside our candles, Mom.) Actually, we’re talking about the poem “Ozymandias” by 19th Century English Romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, whom you may know better as Mary Shelley’s husband. You know the poem, right? “I met a traveler from an antique land…” I’m not even going to write the rest. That’s how much confidence I have that you’re a cultured and educated person.
Anyhow, we’re thinking about doing a whole series of candles on major English Romantic poets. Do you want to invest in our candle company.
Heart of Darkness Candle
It’s hard for me not to hate Joseph Conrad for the same reason it’s hard not to hate Vladimir Nabokov: English was not his first language, but he was much, much better at it than me. And yet, this candle feels like a good idea, because maybe we can sneak past Disney’s IP lawyers by marketing this as a “Jungle Cruise” candle in the product tags.
The only downside is that the wax ship is really hard to make, so we’d probably need to charge like $50 per candle. But it will be worth it, if you like spending a lot of money on candles.
War of 1812 Candle
This is probably the only legal way you can burn down the White House. (That said, we are not attorneys and this does not constitute legal advice—there might be other legal ways.)
We are almost definitely going to do this one, because Kate has been waiting her whole life to write a bunch of War of 1812 jokes. The only real question is whether to make it an actual representation of the pre-1812 White House, or whether to make it look like today’s White House. I am leaning toward current White House, because I enjoy getting emails from pedants.
Toasted Ravioli Candle
Is America ready for a candle based on the St. Louis “delicacy” toasted ravioli? Probably not, since it doesn’t appear to be ready for toasted ravioli.
(If you’re wondering if you can actually eat a wax toasted ravioli, the answer is yes! You’re an adult, and you can eat whatever you want.)
Tar Pit Candle
Before you say, “but it’s too sad seeing dinosaurs trapped in a tar pit,” let me give you a reality check. How do you think a dinosaur would treat you? If dinosaurs were still around today, they would absolutely buy a candle showing humans trapped in a tar pit. They wouldn’t even think twice.