We’ve come to the part in the story of America where everyone is feeling a little down. A little pessimistic about our prospects as a nation. And you know what that means: It’s time to cheer ourselves up with PRESIDENTIAL MAKEOVERS!
It’s a question as old as time itself: Does Richard Nixon like you as more than a friend? Take this quiz to find out!
a. Tries to cheer you up by muttering a series of ethnic slurs against the Irish.
b. Breaks into your Geometry teacher’s classroom and steals all of his files. Now your Geometry teacher is super sad because he doesn’t have any files!
a. Yes! It’s how I figured out that I could make him drive me to the airport by telling him I had a date at the airport.
b. Not yet, but I have been dropping hints like, “I have a date tonight so I guess I’ll check the bus schedule.”
a. The next time you open your locker, your poster of Rutherford B. Hayes has disappeared, and in its place there’s a signed glossy of Richard Nixon. When you ask Nixon about it, he just shrugs and says “I am not a crook,” and then flirtatiously shakes his jowls.
b. He comments that Hayes’ beard makes him look like a communist. (And, OK, he is not totally wrong.)
a. He likes to tell me about his grievances.
b. I mean, yeah, it’s mostly just a list of his grievances and how the school administration is out to get him.
a. Not really. Sometimes I’ll catch his eye, but I can’t be sure if he was looking at me or at the invisible demons that stalk him at every turn.
b. Yes, usually from inside a cable repair van that has been parked in front of my house for six months.
a = 0 points, b = 1 point. / 2. a = 1 point, b = 0 points. / 3. a = 1 point, b = 0 points. /
4. a = 0 points, b = 0 points / 5. a = 0 points, b = 1 point.
3 or more points: You should make a move on Richard Nixon!
Good news—your friendship with Richard Nixon is a farce! All this time he’s just been pretending to value you as a friend while concealing his true romantic feelings. So go ahead and get a little closer to “Tricky Dick,” if you know what we mean!
0-2 points: Richard Nixon is not that into you.
Richard Nixon likes you as a friend, but he’s not interested in you romantically. At least, not yet! You should definitely check back and take this quiz again to see if anything has changed. Let’s say, once a week.
Richard Nixon recorded all of his Oval Office conversations, and the transcripts from these secret tapes are an nonstop explosion of profound wisdom and keen observations about the human condition. If you’ve ever read through the transcripts yourself, you probably thought, “If only this guy had his own relationship advice column!” Well, all of your wildest dreams are about to come true.