Felipe VI

King of Spain
by Kate.

Felipe VI, King of SpainLast month, King Juan Carlos I surprised the world* by announcing that he would abdicate in favor of his handsome and gigantically tall son, Felipe VI. (Though to be clear, he did not mention his son’s handsomeness or giganticness in his announcement.)

At first everyone assumed that this was another one of the King’s hilarious pranks, like that time he pretended to invade Portugal.** But if it started out as a joke, it quickly became all too real, and on June 19, Felipe VI was crowned king of Spain. There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd when Felipe donned the traditional Spanish Royal Crown, which is made entirely of bullhorns. (It used to be made out of bull’s horns, but after years of protest by animal-rights activists, it was replaced with a crown made out of bullhorns.)

As Juan Carlos no doubt realized, there are many ways that an aging monarch stands to benefit by retiring early:

  • Being a king or queen is (probably?) a lot of work. By relinquishing your title, you will have a lot more free time to sit around and contemplate your own mortality as it swiftly approaches.
  • After you’ve handed over the reins of ceremonial power, your son or daughter will no longer find it necessary to poison you in order to usurp the throne. (Though they might poison you anyway, just because old people can be annoying.)
  • Hopefully your Parliament will pass some kind law making you immune from legal prosecution. Because if not—yikes! You are going to have to pay a lot of back child support!
  • You will finally be free to go elephant-hunting without being criticized. Except by elephants, I guess. But you can’t live your life always trying to please elephants.

So if you are a monarch, you should seriously consider following Juan Carlos’ example and abdicating in favor of Felipe VI. (If you are not a monarch, please go away, because this web site is for monarchs only. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear before.)

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*Admit it—you were surprised. Since when has Spain had a king?

**Which, incidentally, was hilarious. And no one saw it coming when, two weeks later, he really did invade Portugal.

The Hottest Signers of the Declaration of Independence

Signing of the Declaration of Independence

by J.D. and Kate

On July 4, 1776, fifty-six brave patriots gathered together in the boring city of Philadelphia to sign a document that later came to be known as the Declaration of Independence.* Now, 238 years later, some equally brave patriots (me and J.D.) are commemorating the occasion by ranking those signers in order of hotness.

Like our Founding Fathers before us, we also have a long list of grievances against the British government, but we will save that for another day. Our rulings are final, but feel free to complain in the comments section and be ignored.

Here is the list.

*Actually, they just approved the final wording on July 4. Historians believe there never was an official signing ceremony, and instead Thomas Jefferson just forged everyone’s signatures.

Mark Rutte

Prime Minister of the Netherlands
by Kate.

Mark Rutte (not shirtless)Recently I discovered that if you do a Google search for “Mark Rutte shirtless,” this web site is the first result.* I won’t tell you how I found this out, because it reveals far too much information about my personal life. But I will say that you don’t need to bother Googling “Mark Rutte in a tank top,” because it yields no satisfying results.

Intrigued, I did some research and learned that in the past 5 years, 33 people have visited this site after Googling “Mark Rutte shirtless.”** No doubt they were hoping to find a treasure trove of shirtless Mark Rutte photos, only to have their hopes dashed when they discovered that this is just an incoherent and infrequently updated “humor” blog with no shirtless Mark Rutte photos whatsoever. I picture these 33 people hurling their laptops against the wall in a fit of Mark-Rutte-induced sexual frustration, resulting in them being asked to leave Starbucks.*** (more…)

Special Report: How to Improve Your Ranking on this Web Site

by Kate.

Not a day goes by that we don’t get a phone call from some world leader wanting to know what he or she can do to improve their ranking on our totally arbitrary list of the hottest world leaders.

Since we simply don’t have time to field all of these phone calls, I have prepared this helpful guide entitled “How to Improve Your Ranking on HottestHeadsofState.com.”

Stephen Harper waits patiently on the phone

Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper listens patiently to our hold music.*

(more…)

Helle Thorning-Schmidt

Prime Minister of Denmark
by Kate.

Helle Thorning-SchmidtFirst, I want to take a moment to congratulate Helle Thorning-Schmidt on being so hot. Bravo to her—and to the wise people of Denmark who convinced her to abandon her successful career as a Land’s End catalog model and take up residence in Denmark’s prime ministerial mead hall.

Thorning-Schmidt follows in the footsteps of a long line of hot Danish politicians, including:

1. Former prime minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen.
2. That guy who killed Hamlet’s father. (I guess it was his uncle.)
3. Sweyn Forkbeard.

(more…)

Kaj Leo Johannesen

Prime Minister of the Faroe Islands
by Kate.

Kaj Leo JohannesenWe wouldn’t normally have included the Faroe Islands on this list, because it is a made-up place, and we have a fairly strict policy against imaginary countries.* Actually, we keep trying to delete the Faroe Islands from the site, but it keeps reappearing on its own. It’s pretty creepy, so I’ve decided to just go along with it.

As I was researching Kaj Leo Johannesen in preparation for making stuff up about him**, I couldn’t help but notice that 90% of his Wikipedia page is about his career as a football player. Now wait, before you get excited: by “football,” I mean “soccer”—one of the most boring sports in the world. (more…)

Hamid Karzai

President of Afghanistan
by Kate.

Hamid KarzaiAs a special treat, I’d like to share with you an excerpt from the Hamid Karzai fan fiction I’ve been writing. It’s still a work-in-progress, so go easy on me!

Chapter 2: Tall, Dark, and Hamid

It is a hot and muggy evening. (Author’s note: By “muggy,” I mean both that it is humid and also that it is filled with muggers.) You are walking home from work after being roped into working late… again. As the only person in your office who lives alone, most days you don’t mind staying late to cover for colleagues who have families to get home to, but today you just weren’t in the mood. As you pass the doorway of your favorite watering hole, you feel a blast of air-conditioning. (Author’s note: “watering hole” is a slang term for “bar.” I’m going through sort of a cowboy phase in my writing.) On a whim, you turn around and mosey inside.

The bar is packed for a Thursday evening. You spot a vacant barstool and sidle up to the counter. The bartender, Ted, is busy—but when he sees you, he gives you a nod and brings over your usual drink. As you take a sip, you cast your eyes around the dark, crowded room, and with a jolt you realize that someone across the room is staring at you intently. As your eyes meet his, you quickly take him in. His large eyes are brown, almost black, and framed by thick, black eyebrows. He has a straight nose and a smooth, bald head. The rest of his face is hidden by a neatly trimmed, salt-and-pepper beard.

You feel a rush of heat as your cheeks turn bright red, and you quickly look away. You turn to your drink, taking a long, slow sip as you gather your thoughts. Just as you are debating whether or not it’s safe to glance over at him again, suddenly you sense someone standing right next to you. You don’t have to look up to know who it is. (more…)

Enrique Peña Nieto

President of Mexico
by Kate.

You probably didn’t notice, but we’ve spent the last several years neglecting this website in favor of other pursuits. For one thing, JD and I had a couple of kids, so you can now look forward to our upcoming web site on which we rank our children in order of how much they’ve disappointed us.

More importantly though, we finally achieved the American dream of building a fake Mexican town in our basement.

A photo of Kate's impressive basement

Is this Mexico, or is it my basement? It’s hard for me to tell, because I’ve never been to Mexico.

I know you are probably thinking, “What does this have to do with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto? Is this just an excuse for you to show off photos of your amazing, amazing basement?” Ha ha! Well, you’re on to me. (more…)

George Papandreou

Prime Minister of Greece
by Kate.

George PapandreouWhen an election takes place during a time of crisis, the primary concern of voters isn’t always hotness.* For example, polls indicate that if the US presidential election were being held tomorrow, a junk shot wearing an American flag pin would win. Sure, a giant mass of shredded tires and golf balls might not be the hottest candidate, but for some reason Americans are really worried about oil spills right now. They’re also worried about the economy, and it would be nice to have a president who could eliminate our national debt by rolling over our creditors and crushing them.** (more…)

Mohamed Nasheed

President of the Maldives
by Kate.

Mohamed NasheedMost people are not very worried about their homes sinking into the ocean…but they should be, if they live in Alberta.*

Another place that might sink into the ocean is the Maldives. Only one person has ever heard of the Maldives, so perhaps a brief history lesson is in order.

The Maldives is an island chain that was first settled by a group of British schoolboys who washed ashore after surviving a plane crash. The country is led by the sexy-in-a-nerdy-way President Mohamed Nasheed, who is best known for his trademark eyeglasses, which he stole from a political dissident named Piggy. Until recently, Nasheed’s presidency has centered around boar hunting and neglecting the signal fire, but the imminent danger of his island nation being submerged under water has temporarily diverted his attention. (more…)