Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

We’re Coming to a City Near You! (Maybe)

Book tour

Did you know that, in addition to creating this website, we are also real people who exist in the world, just like you? It’s true! But don’t take our word for it—come see for yourself later this month when we go on an whirlwind TWO-CITY TOUR promoting our new book, Hottest Heads of State, Volume One: The American Presidents.

We promise you an evening that is fun and zany, or maybe just kind of awkward and quiet, but either way it will be more memorable than whatever you usually do between the hours of 6pm and 8pm. (Like eat dinner.) Some things you can look forward to include:

  • Games!
  • Prizes!
  • Sexy photos of Richard Nixon!
  • Presidential themed drinks!*
  • The opportunity to settle real-life disputes between us, JD and Kate.

And if you don’t live in the St. Louis or Washington DC metro area, don’t despair—there’s still time for you to permanently relocate!


Tuesday, January 30
The Novel Neighbor, St. Louis, MO
6:00 pm

Friday, February 2
East City Bookshop, Washington, DC
6:30 pm

Saturday, February 3
Politics and Prose (Northwest), Washington, DC
6:00 pm


*Only some of the events will include presidential-themed drinks. We won’t tell you which ones though. The only way to find out will be to attend all of them.

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Introducing FakeCoin

FakeCoin logo

We have an exciting announcement: We are pivoting from humor writing to cryptocurrency. Here’s how it will work.

Our new cryptocurrency is called FakeCoin. We are issuing 81 million FakeCoin, and we double pinky swear that we will never issue any more than that. That means this is a resource with a fixed quantity, like coal, or salt, which means that its value is guaranteed to increase. You know how investment ads have a disclaimer saying “investing is risky, blah blah blah”? Well, not FakeCoin. If you invest in a million FakeCoins, we guarantee that you will become a millionaire.1

Cryptocurrencies can seem complicated, so here are answers to a few of the questions you might have.


Q: Describe the FakeCoin architecture.

A: We’re going to keep track of all this on the chalkboard in our kitchen. It’s a big chalkboard so this is a very scalable platform.

FakeCoin


Q: How do I purchase FakeCoin?

A: Just send a personal check to P.O. Box 190024, St. Louis, MO, 63119, made out to J.D. and Kate Dobson. We’ll transfer as many FakeCoins to you as your check buys at the prevailing market price.

For instance, right now, we will give you one FakeCoin for one U.S. dollar. So if you send us a check for a million dollars today, it will buy you one million FakeCoins. But at some point FakeCoin will probably start appreciating, and your one million U.S. dollars will only buy like 10.87d8 FakeCoins.

My point is that the time to buy FakeCoins is now. You can get in on the ground floor. Actually, not even that. You can get in on the basement. This is basement investing, folks.

Actually, maybe it’s even lower than the basement. This is like putting your money in a bottomless pit.


Q: Cryptocurrencies are supposed to be anonymous. Using a personal check doesn’t sound very anonymous.

A: We promise not to use your check for anything other than maybe trying to wire money out of your account.


Q: How do you make sure transactions are secure? What kind of encryption do you use?

A: We very rarely forget to remove the key after we unlock the front door when we get home.


Q: How do I sell FakeCoin?

A: No offense but that’s kind of a dumb question. Why would you ever want to sell your sweet, sweet FakeCoins?


Q: Do you use a blockchain?

A: Yeah, sure.


Q: What about miners? Does your platform use miners to validate and timestamp transactions in your blockchain?

A: You misspelled minors. Both of our children are minors, but they are not involved, except for whining about not being allowed to use the chalkboard anymore.


Q: How do I find out which retailers near me accept FakeCoin?

A: This is such a dynamic market that it’s impossible to say which retailers might be accepting FakeCoin at any given moment. Your best bet is to go to your local Starbucks or WalMart or whatever, try to pay in FakeCoin, and see what happens.


Q: How many transactions can the FakeCoin architecture carry out per second?

A: There is no set transaction-per-second, because a lot of variables go into this: time of day, how high up on the chalkboard we have to reach, whether we’ve run out of chalk, whether we’re on vacation, etc. But as a general guideline, it will take no longer than a month to process a transaction. So you might want to call in your order to Starbucks and tell them you’ll pick it up in a month.


Q: Is FakeCoin a safe place to store my money?

A: I mean, define “safe.” Is it as safe as a hard currency like the U.S. dollar or the Euro? No, probably not. But is it as safe as the Venezuelan bolivar, or the Burmese kyat? (Also no.)


Q: How can I be sure that FakeCoin and other cryptocurrencies aren’t just a speculative bubble?

A: Oh, they’re a bubble.


1In FakeCoins.

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Hottest Heads of State Countdown Calendar

Hottest Heads of State Countdown Calendar

Are you as excited as we are about the Jan 30 release of our book? Almost assuredly not!

But this calendar will help you build a sense of feverish, edge-of-your seat anticipation as you count down the 30 days until the book’s launch. Each day you’ll open a new compartment, but instead of a fun toy or a piece of candy, you’ll get…a weird joke. But at least it will be free, since you can print out and assemble the calendar yourself.

Instructions:

1) Print out this pdf file. Generally speaking, you should be cautious about opening pdfs on websites, since they can contain malware. But we double super pinky swear that we didn’t put any malware in these. Our New Year’s resolution is “Stop trying to infect our readers’ computers with malware.” And, lose weight.

2) Using a sharp knife, cut along the dotted lines on sheets A and B. (Or use your teeth, or a shard of broken glass, or whatever; we’re not telling you how to live your life.)

3) Glue sheet A to sheet C, and sheet B to sheet D. We used clear gel tacky glue but probably anything will work. (NOT super glue, though. We don’t want you showing up to work after New Year’s with a weird calendar glued to your hand. If you get fired, you’ll be less likely to shell out $20 for our book!)

4) Mount the calendar on the ceiling over your bed so you start each day of January right. (Specifically, you want to start each day waking up from an erotic dream about President Franklin Pierce.)

Assembling the calendar is, unfortunately, kind of a pain. If you do it, send us a photo and we’ll post it here, partly to thank you but mainly as a marketing ploy.

We’re also going to post a photo of each day’s calendar entry on Twitter at @hotheadofstate, and on Instagram at @hottestheadsofstate. Thank you and Happy New Year!

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Editor’s Comments on our Manuscript

People have been enjoying the hilarious editor’s comments on awful person Milo Yiannopoulos’s book manuscript. Comments like, “This is definitely not the place for more of your narcissism,” “tiresome and off the point,” and “DELETE UGH.”

But the truth is that any mediocre writer trying to fake their way into a big book advance could end up with these kinds of comments, and we are no exception. In the interest of transparency, here are just a few of the comments our long-suffering editor made to the manuscript of our upcoming book, Hottest Heads of State: Volume One, the American Presidents.

Microsoft Word - 1.docx

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Check Out These New Made-for-TV Christmas Movies

Just as Adam Smith predicted, the invisible hand of the free market guides Hallmark to churn out approximately five million new Christmas movies every year. That’s a lot! To help them out, we’ve come up with some plot ideas for next year. Hallmark is free to use these as long as they cast J.D. as the jerky boyfriend who gets dumped in favor of the more handsome guy who loves Christmas. (He will also accept “grizzled blue-collar guy who imparts hard-earned wisdom to the young, wealthy protagonist.”)


Christmas Ghost Ship

High-powered New York attorney Piper Starr thought she’d be spending the holidays at a luxury resort in the Bahamas—not trapped aboard a 19th century tall-masted whaling ship crewed entirely by ghosts! What’s more, the ship’s handsome and mysterious ghost captain is harboring a shocking secret: He loves Christmas!

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Easy, Last-Minute Gifts That You Can Make Right Now

Shopping for presents for anyone other than yourself is horrible. But we’re here to help you out with some easy, last-minute gift ideas that you can give to literally anyone, as long as you don’t care about taking their interests/taste/etc. into account.

It goes without saying that you have already preordered several copies of our book, Hottest Heads of State, so that you have one for each room of your house. But did you know you can also give it as a Christmas or Hanukkah gift, even though it doesn’t come out until January 30? All you need is glue, a printer, and the courage to give something you printed out and glued together as a gift.


A letter from JD and Kate

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