Nursultan Nazarbayev

President of Kazakhstan
by JD

Nursultan Nazarbaev

Sometimes, people ask “what’s the best country in Europe?” The answer is “Kazakhstan.” This should go without saying. But for those of you who’ve been living under a rock, here are the facts.

Fact: Kazakhstan is in Europe.
It’s a fact! Everything west of the Ural Mountains is part of Europe, and part of Kazakhstan is west of the Urals. If you’re not willing to accept that West Kazakhstan is part of Europe, then I am not willing to accept that the UK is part of Europe. (A sentiment in which I would join much of the UK.)


Fact: Kazakhstan is the same size as Western Europe.
So I assume that once it joins the EU, it will get the same number of MEPs as all of Western Europe put together. Better start being nicer to Kazakhstan, Western Europe! The Kazakhstanis have not forgotten that Sacha Baron Cohen “Borat” thing, nor the fact that he is English, nor have they forgiven him, or you. You might as well get the extradition case started now, to save time.


Fact: Soccer is even more boring to watch than most sports (which is saying something).
That means millions of Europeans are wasting their time engaged in spectating, betting, and hooliganism over an essentially boring sport. But Kazakhstan’s traditional equestrian sport of Kyz kuu is not boring! The name means “bride chasing,” and the sport proceeds as follows: a man on horseback chases a woman on horseback, and if he catches her he gets to try to kiss her, and if she gets away she gets to whip him. It’s basically a metaphor for every relationship you’ve ever been in that involved horses and whips.

And no fake injuries! When you’re beaten with a whip, you don’t need to fake it. So: Kazakhstan has better sports than the rest of Europe. Q.E.D.


Fact: Kazakhstan understands democracy better than most of its European counterparts.
Democracy is all about popular elections, right? So it stands to reason that the better you are at democracy, the better you are at getting votes. And Kazakhstan’s president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, got 97.7% of the vote in the last election. What?! Yes, it’s true! He is a ninja of democracy.

In fact, he should probably go ahead and run for president of the rest of the countries in Europe, spreading democracy to them. Do any of them have rules saying their presidents can’t be president of another country at the same time? Probably not! And certainly not if he hurries.

David Cameron

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
by Kate

In keeping with today’s theme, throughout this post I will be using the traditional British spellings of wourds. (I am also driving on the left-hand side of the road while I type, but that is just a coincidence.)

David Cameron

Like many Americans, I can’t decide whether or not I think British Prime Minister David Cameron is hot. As soon as I hear his accent, all I can think of is that scene in Love Actually when Prime Minister Hugh Grant tells off the smug Americans (I HATE THEM SO MUCH) and then dances adorably through whatever the British equivalent of the White House is.

(Side note: To the person who wrote this criticism of Love Actually, I want you to know that I have a lengthy, point-for-point rebuttal of your poisonous screed composed entirely in my head. If anyone would like to hear it sometime, all you have to do is be the lucky person sitting next to me on a plane.)

Anyway. Initially I planned to address this problem by asking the people of Britain to tell me whether or not David Cameron is hot. Presumably they have become acclimatised to British accents, the same way that you would become acclimitised to spelling “acclimitised” with an “s” instead of a “z” if you had been doing it wrong like that your entire life.

But upon further consideration, I’m not sure that the British would be able to set aside their political biases. It’s like how many Americans STILL can’t admit that George W. Bush is a stone-cold fox, even though it is obvious to anyone who has ever seen a very cold fox.

Fortunately though, I have a solution! AUSTRALIANS.

Australians have an even more alluring accent than the British, making them immune to David Cameron’s accent just like Superman is immune to kryptonite. (Wait, is that right? Oh no, you guys. I think I might have accidentally poisoned Superman.)

I’ve put together the following poll, which is for AUSTRALIANS ONLY, YOU GUYS. IF YOU ARE NOT AUSTRALIAN AND YOU TAKE THIS POLL I WILL KNOW BECAUSE I AM LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW THROUGH THE TINY CAMERA ON YOUR COMPUTER AND CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT THERE AREN’T ANY KANGAROOS HOPPING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND.

There are a couple of Koala bears sneaking up behind you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. You could just be at the zoo or something.

Now, on to the poll!


Ian Khama

President of Botswana
by Kate

If you are looking for an eligible bachelor who also happens to be the president of Botswana, then look no further than Ian Khama, the president of Botswana.

Ian Khama

If you like that hat, just wait until you see his shoes!

(more…)

Tony Abbott

Tony Abbott

Prime Minister of Australia
by Kate

Tony Abbott is the prime minister of Australia—you know, the country shaped like this cornflake. He’s the leader of Australia’s Liberal Party, although “liberal” here means the opposite of what you think it means. It’s just like how summer down there is winter, and

Tony Abbott

WOAH, hold on. Where did this photo of shirtless Tony Abbott come from? (more…)

The Presidents of the United States: When They Were Young and Hunky

Young Theodore Roosevelt

Not a lot of people realize how attractive (almost) all of the U.S. presidents were when they were young. And I, for one, am tired of people not realizing this.

So for the sake of your history education, I submit to you photos of the U.S. presidents when they were young and hunky.

They are not ranked in order of hotness, because I couldn’t find a picture of every president in the same age range, and in a couple of cases I couldn’t find a youthful photo or portrait at all. In those instances I just substituted a a picture of Tommy Lee Jones or whoever. Enjoy!