The U.S. Presidential Candidates: When They Were Young

Before you elect someone to the most powerful office in the nation, it’s important to look at a photo of them from when they were young.

For one thing, you want to make sure they are aging as time passes, because that is how you weed out the androids. You also want to make sure they are aging in the right direction, because otherwise you could end up with a Benjamin Button situation on your hands. (And I am not even kidding about that. If we elect Marco Rubio and then find out he has the Benjamin Button disease, after two 4-year terms he will be only 10 years old!)

So do your patriotic duty and review these photos of presidential candidates when they were young and dishy. (Then do your other patriotic duty and follow us on Facebook and Twitter.)


Young Martin O'Malley

Martin O’Malley

OH NO MARTIN O’MALLEY HAS NOT AGED SINCE 1990 HE MUST BE AN ANDROID!!!

I still might vote for him though. He’s just so handsome! Plus I like his policy of no guns for anybody except androids.


Young Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders

OK Mr. Sanders, we’re all ready. If you could just look over here at the camera…
—Over here?
No…that’s a tree.
—Here?
No. That’s some kind of castle.
—Eh. I’m just going to look at the tree again.


Young Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

If we all try really hard, we might be able to telepathically send our thoughts back through time to young Hillary Clinton and warn her.


Young Rand Paul

Rand Paul

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo, young Rand Paul!

(Saying “hello” for a long time is how I flirt with 35-year-old photos of Rand Paul.)


Young Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush

This is a picture of a young Jeb Bush sitting at his desk and thinking about exclamation marks.


Young Ben Carson

Ben Carson

On today’s episode of General Hospital, famed and heroic neurologist Ben Carson discovers that he has an evil identical twin who has stolen his identity and is running for president.


Young Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina’s high school classmates voted her “Most Likely to Be Forced Out by the Hewlett-Packard Board of Directors,” which in retrospect was remarkably prescient.


Young Donald Trump

Donald Trump

A young Donald Trump gets ready for lunch.


Young Chris Christie

Chris Christie

Chris Christie has been saving these red suspenders for when red suspenders come back in style.

Keep biding your time, Chris Christie! You don’t want to break these babies out too early.


Young Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum

If you look very closely at this picture of young Rick Santorum, you can see his rage starting to build.


Young John Kasich

John Kasich

John Kasich’s candidacy for the GOP nomination is basically a Manchurian Candidate situation, except instead of Red China it’s Peter, Paul and Mary.


Young Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee

Young Mike Huckabee sings “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” to his fellow campers at logging adventure camp.


Young Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz

Even at an early age, Ted Cruz was working hard to build up an impressive enemies list. By now, you’re probably on it! He’s basically just been going through the phone book.


Young Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio

And finally, here’s a young Marco Rubio writing in his diary.


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Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin, Chapter 3

Here’s another chapter of Vladimir Putin fan fiction to keep you warm during these long winter nights! (But only if you print it out and fashion it into some kind of blanket.) Note that what it lacks in brevity, it makes up for in being extremely, extremely long.

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Chapter 3: Putin on the Ritz

Bedroom in Putin's palace

When you open your eyes, the sun is already high in the sky. You are alone in a lavish guest room, tucked into a large, canopied bed. Looking around the unfamiliar room, it takes you a moment to remember where you are. Then, all at once, your memories of the day before come flooding back. (more…)

president-of-croatia-featured1

Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović

President of Croatia

Frequently Asked Questions about Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović

Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović

Q: Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović has been all over the news lately. What’s going on?

A: A couple of people mistook this photo of model/actress Coco Austin for Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović:
Coco Austin


Q: Why does this qualify as “news”?

A: Whenever one person is mistaken for another person while wearing a bathing suit, it is always major news. (more…)

World Leaders Share Their New Year’s Resolutions

This year, our New Year’s resolution was to write a list of fake New Year’s resolutions and ascribe them to various heads of state and government. Now we’re done, and we get to kick back and do nothing for the rest of the year. See you in January 2017, suckers!

We asked: “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

Kim Jong-un

“I know I say this every January, but this year I’m really going to invade South Korea. I just need to stay focused and not get distracted by other stuff once I’m back at work. If it’s April and I still haven’t invaded South Korea, I want you guys to call me on it.”

—Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea

(more…)

Putin-Scented Candle, putin scent, putin perfume, smell of putin, eau de putin

2015 Holiday Gift Guide

It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.

Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.

Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)

Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:

Putin-Scented Candle

Putin-Scented Candle

The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)


Real Fortune Cookies

Real Fortune Cookies: The Book

We just released a hilarious book based on our hilarious web site Real Fortune Cookies, and it is available on Etsy and Amazon. It’s the perfect gift for that special person in your life who is literate or pretending to be literate.


Gag Fortune Cookies

Gag Fortune Cookies

Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”

Ha! Classic.

Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.


Senator Dracula bumper sticker

Senator Dracula Bumper Sticker

Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!

Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.


Trump "Brown Shirt"

Satirical Trump “Brown Shirt”

Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!

Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.

John Key

Prime Minister of New Zealand
by Kate

NOTE: As part of our ongoing effort to monetize this web site so we can quit our jobs and travel around the country solving mysteries, we are thrilled to offer an exciting new way for heads of state and government to improve their reputations by generating positive buzz online.

Good publicity is priceless, and yet we have managed to put a surprisingly affordable price on it. For only a fraction of your country’s GDP, you can commission a Sponsored Post™ that is guaranteed to increase your popularity with the several people who read this web site, not to mention the thousands and thousands who stumble upon it after googling “Mark Rutte Shirtless.”

But don’t take my word for it—here is a sample Sponsored Post™ that I’ve written for John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand. (This one is on the house, Johnbut if you’d like you could send me a heartfelt thank-you in the form of a pet kiwi.*) 


SPONSORED POST

You know who is really great? I’ll give you a second to think about it.

OK, time’s up! No, it’s not your dad…he’s the worst. The answer is New Zealand Prime Minister John Key!

John Key

Blam!

(more…)

Amazing Poll Results

Thanks to everyone who voted in our election for the Hottest Head of State (or government) of the Internet. I hope you all made little “I voted” stickers and wore them around, because that’s a fun way to make your friends and coworkers feel confused and ashamed.

Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck

THE WINNER: Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck (61%)

With over 690 votes (691 votes, to be exact), the King of Bhutan is officially the most attractive world leader in the world. (At least in as far as anything on this web site is “official.”)
(more…)

World Leaders Share Their Real-Life Horror Stories

Just in time for Halloween, we asked some of our favorite world leaders what they are most afraid of. We received some great responses (in our imaginations), so settle in with a blanket and a bowl of candy apples while you read these spine-tingling tales of head-of-state horror.

We asked: “What is your greatest fear?”

Dmitry Medvedev

“I fear that this winter, our esteemed and beloved President Putin will make me go back inside the box until spring. I am not claustrophobic but it is hard to spend the winter inside a small box, especially with our long Russian winters.”

—Dmitry Medvedev, Prime Minister of Russia

(more…)