Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Our Lousy Neighbors Won’t Review Our Book

When we’re young, the world is a like a glowing dream, full of joy and promise. But as we age, its coldness is gradually revealed. It is a bleak and heartless place where people treat each other, at best, with indifference.

Take, for example, this copy of our book Hottest Heads of State, which we left in a Little Free Library box near our house in St. Louis.

Little Free Library box

Do you see how we’ve conveniently arranged our book so it’s between two less-appealing books, in order to make it pop? If you want to help us out, that’s something you can do at your local Barnes & Noble. Just place a few copies in the “#1 Bestsellers” section. If any employees challenge you, tell them you’re Barnes & Noble CEO Demos Parneros.

We did this in the hopes that someone would email us a review, which we could then post here and (maybe) make fun of.

inside flap

The book was taken from the library over two weeks ago. How many emails would you guess we’ve received since then? Three? Fifty? Wrong. We have received ZERO EMAILS. And before you try to make excuses for whomever took the book, allow me to dispense with your arguments one by one.

1. Maybe they didn’t like the book.

That is no excuse. It literally takes two seconds to write “Your book stinks.”

In fact, let’s see how many times I can write it while holding my breath: “Your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your book stinks your

OK, so as it turns out I can’t hold my breath for very long, but you get my point.

2. Maybe they haven’t finished reading it yet.

I don’t want to make our publisher regret writing us a giant check, but honestly, this book doesn’t take long to read. It’s mainly pictures. You can probably finish it in a couple hours. That’s what makes it such a great beach read! You shouldn’t stay out in the sun for more than a couple hours, so when you get to the end of the book, you know it’s time to hurl it into the ocean and go back inside.

3. Maybe they haven’t gotten around to reading it.

You’re not supposed to take a book from a Little Free Library unless you’re ready to read it right away. Haven’t you read the fine print written on the bottom of the Little Free Library boxes?

4. Maybe they’re writing a really long review so it’s taking them a while.

Well, if you talk to them, please remind them that they’re writing for the internet. No one is going to read past the first few sentences of anything. To prove it, the first person to read this sentence and send us an email at hottestheadsofstate (at) with the subject line “I want a free book” will receive a free copy of our book. Except no one will read this far, so we’ll never need to actually do it.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve already had a winner, so please don’t email us about how you want a free book. Or whatever, you can email us if you want to, but you should just go and BUY the book. It’s like $16 on Amazon, which is *practically* free.]

5. Maybe they laughed so hard while reading it that they had a stroke and lost the ability to use language.

I mean, I hope that’s it. That would really be the best case scenario.

6. The book is pretty brightly colored; maybe a curious raccoon took it, to shred and feather his den.

I guess that would be ok too.

NOTE: Even if you didn’t take our book out of a Little Free Library, you CAN still write a review of it, on Amazon or Goodreads. If you feel like it, maybe mention that the target audience is NOT teenage girls, because there seems to be some confusion about that.

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Let’s Give the U.S. Presidents Sexy New Makeovers

We’ve come to the part in the story of America where everyone is feeling a little down. A little pessimistic about our prospects as a nation. And you know what that means: It’s time to cheer ourselves up with PRESIDENTIAL MAKEOVERS!

Then afterwards, please be sure to follow us on Facebook/Twitter so we can harangue you about buying our book.

George Washington

Every 14-year-old boy I know has this haircut, and when it comes to fashion, 14-year-old boys will never lead you astray. Now all George Washington needs is a pair of black knee socks and sandals, and he’ll be ready to hang out in the parking lot and vape!

Gerald Ford

If you think you aren’t attracted to Gerald Ford, you need to ask yourself, “If I’m not attracted to Gerald Ford, then why have I been looking at this picture for so long? When did it become nighttime? Wait, what day is it?”

Harry S. Truman

The first thing Harry S. Truman needs to do is lose his glasses. There—look how handsome!

The second thing he needs to do is lose the tie. The final thing he must do is lose that shirt. Makeover complete!

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Don’t say this isn’t an attractive look for Dwight D. Eisenhower until you’ve watched his workout tape.

Ronald Reagan

Nothing says “It’s Morning in America” like just-got-out-of-bed hair!

Barack Obama

Last week, social media was abuzz over a doctored photo of Barack Obama that showed him sporting a beard. Now it’s time to start the equally compelling rumor that he has started shaving his eyebrows.

Abraham Lincoln

Can you spot what’s wrong with this picture of Abraham Lincoln? Or, to phrase it more accurately, can you spot what’s right?

Jimmy Carter

If Jimmy Carter had a teardrop tattoo, then we wouldn’t have to keep wondering how many of his rivals he’s killed in prison brawls.

Zachary Taylor

One question we get over and over again is, “What would Zachary Taylor look like with the hair of Tom Selleck and the mustache of Tom Selleck?” Well, here you go. Now leave us alone, Tom Selleck!

James Garfield

A great look for any man is to dress up like a chef. Then everybody will think, “Mmm…I wonder what he’s got cooking!” The only downside is that, eventually, you will be expected to produce some kind of food.

William McKinley

William McKinley didn’t need a lot of work. We just doubled-down on his existing look. (His existing look is “eyebrows!”)

John F. Kennedy

If you think there’s no way to make JFK more handsome, it’s because you have not considered the possibility of a second, equally handsome head.

Lyndon B. Johnson

At this point, we’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon would have been a great addition to the Constitutional Convention, to remind everyone how important their work was.

Calvin Coolidge

This giant snake speaks for itself. (It says “hiss!”)

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Does Richard Nixon Like You As More Than A Friend?

It’s a question as old as time itself: Does Richard Nixon like you as more than a friend? Take this quiz to find out!

And afterwards, why not purchase our new book, Hottest Heads of State? It makes the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for Richard Nixon (and also, probably, for other people).

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Today is the Day

Hottest Heads of State the book

Today is the day. The day that you’ve been dreaming about for so long that you can’t believe it’s finally here. No—it’s not your wedding day! Or whatever, it might be your wedding day. But forget about that, because today is also the day that our first book, Hottest Heads of State, Volume 1: The American Presidents, is released to the buying public. (That’s you!)

Right now, you are probably paralyzed with excitement. And that’s OK! Here is a step-by-step guide to help make the next 24 hours just as fun and memorable as you hoped it would be.

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10 Photos of Richard Nixon That Will Make You Say “Oh, Richard Nixon!”

Richard Nixon drinking

Sometimes you see a photo that just makes you say “Oh, Richard Nixon!” It’s almost an involuntary reaction—like some long-buried instinct that is only triggered by certain photos of Richard Nixon (and, occasionally, by photos that do not contain Richard Nixon).

Check out these 10 photos of Richard Nixon and let us know if they made you say “Oh, Richard Nixon!” or if you were able to view them in silence.

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We’re Coming to a City Near You! (Maybe)

Book tour

*Book does not actually float.

Did you know that, in addition to creating this website, we are also real people who exist in the world, just like you? It’s true! But don’t take our word for it—come see for yourself later this month when we go on an whirlwind TWO-CITY TOUR promoting our new book, Hottest Heads of State, Volume One: The American Presidents.

We promise you an evening that is fun and zany, or maybe just kind of awkward and quiet, but either way it will be more memorable than whatever you usually do between the hours of 6pm and 8pm. (Like eat dinner.) Some things you can look forward to include:

  • Games!
  • Prizes!
  • Sexy photos of Richard Nixon!
  • Presidential themed drinks!*
  • The opportunity to settle real-life disputes between us, JD and Kate.

And if you don’t live in the St. Louis or Washington DC metro area, don’t despair—there’s still time for you to permanently relocate!

Tuesday, January 30
The Novel Neighbor, St. Louis, MO
6:00 pm

Friday, February 2
East City Bookshop, Washington, DC
6:30 pm

Saturday, February 3
Politics and Prose (Northwest), Washington, DC
6:00 pm

*Only some of the events will include presidential-themed drinks. We won’t tell you which ones though. The only way to find out will be to attend all of them.

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Our Lousy Neighbors Won’t Review Our Book

U.S. Presidents

Let's Give the U.S. Presidents Sexy New Makeovers


Does Richard Nixon Like You As More Than A Friend?