Prime Minister of New Zealand
NOTE: As part of our ongoing effort to monetize this web site so we can quit our jobs and travel around the country solving mysteries, we are thrilled to offer an exciting new way for heads of state and government to improve their reputations by generating positive buzz online.
Good publicity is priceless, and yet we have managed to put a surprisingly affordable price on it. For only a fraction of your country’s GDP, you can commission a Sponsored Post™ that is guaranteed to increase your popularity with the several people who read this web site, not to mention the thousands and thousands who stumble upon it after googling “Mark Rutte Shirtless.”
But don’t take my word for it—here is a sample Sponsored Post™ that I’ve written for John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand. (This one is on the house, John, but if you’d like you could send me a heartfelt thank-you in the form of a pet kiwi.*)
You know who is really great? I’ll give you a second to think about it.
OK, time’s up! No, it’s not your dad…he’s the worst. The answer is New Zealand Prime Minister John Key!
John Key is a rock star in every sense of the word, except in the literal sense of being a musician. (But I consider that a plus, because musicians are terrible.) And you don’t need to know anything about New Zealand politics in order to become a fan of John Key. In fact, it’s kind of easier that way.
Now that I’ve (a) introduced you to John Key and (b) insulted all musicians, we’ve reached the point in the Sponsored Post in which I tell you a personal anecdote. Just the other morning I was reading the newspaper, and I came across a critical article about John Key. Instead of reading it, I tore the entire newspaper into tiny bits and put the pieces down the garbage disposal. And then I called the plumber and demanded that he come over and replace my garbage disposal, because it is dead to me now.
(Have you ever destroyed YOUR garbage disposal in the course of defending John Key’s honor? Share your stories in the Comments!)
Next let’s review some of the great things about John Key in a series of easy-to-read bullet points:
- How many heads of government do you know would pull your ponytail, over and over again, even after being asked to stop?
I can only think of one. (It’s John Key!)
- John Key is handsome.
He has kind of a George-Clooney-Wearing-a-John-Key-Mask thing going on.
- John Key is fearless.
Specifically when it comes to making puns on his last name in campaign materials.
- John Key is letting people vote on whether to replace the New Zealand flag.
I voted to replace it with a statue of John Key!
Finally, I want you to know that even though this was a Sponsored Post, my exaggerated praise of John Key comes completely from the heart. I would never try to mislead you about my feelings on John Key (unless it was for profit. Which technically this wasn’t! Unless you count the dream of owning a kiwi.)
*To be clear, when I say “kiwi” I am referring to the fruit and not the bird. I am terrible at taking care of birds. I am great at taking of fruit!