Hottest Heads of State

Justin Trudeau Fan Fiction, Ch. 6

By Kate

on June 29, 2022 6:26 pm

Yes, I am still writing this. This is a perfectly normal speed at which to write Justin Trudeau fan fiction. Past chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

Chapter 6: In Which You are Reminded About Email

The rest of the weekend passes uneventfully. You try to go about your normal leisure activities, like trying on different hats in front of a mirror, but your thoughts keep sliding back to Justin Trudeau. It’s hard to believe that it’s been only a week since you met him! It feels more like it’s been several years, but with large gaps of time in between each encounter that you can’t account for.

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Fan Fiction

Justin Trudeau Fan Fiction, Ch. 5

By Kate

on February 13, 2020 4:50 pm

Relive the excitement of past chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Chapter 5: In Which You Get a Great New Coat

You are still staring at Justin Trudeau when Pedro Sanchez picks you up and starts spinning you around really fast like a tornado.

“I invented this dance move myself!” he says. “I call it la macarena.”

Part of you wants to point out that this name choice is unnecessarily confusing, but another part of you doesn’t want to get into a whole thing about it.

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Special Report

Who Will Win the Candle Primary?

By J.D.

on February 3, 2020 1:41 pm

Did you know that our candles sales have accurately predicted the winner of every U.S. presidential election (and every Canadian federal election¹) since 2016?

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Special Report

A Christmas Memory of Me and Barack Obama

By Kate

on December 18, 2019 11:57 am

If you’re not familiar with A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote, then please enjoy this completely original work of fiction written by me, Kate.

Imagine a Christmas morning in late November 2016. Consider the kitchen of a sprawling, old White House. It’s all stainless steel counters and shiny, oversized appliances. In the center of the room there’s a cluster of pots and pans hanging from the ceiling, their bottoms blackened with use.

A man with shorn, graying hair is standing at the kitchen window. He is wearing brown shoes and a light tan suit that is a strange choice for late November. He is tall and lean, his face smooth except for the laugh lines at the corners of his mouth. He turns to me with a twinkle in his eye and says, “Are you fired up and ready to make fruitcakes?”

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Fan Fiction

Justin Trudeau Fan Fiction, Ch. 4

By Kate

on October 22, 2019 12:12 pm

Kill time by reading the first three chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Chapter 4: In Which You Meet the Prime Minister of Spain and Everything Goes Smoothly

When you arrive at your office the morning after your big date, Mabel is pacing outside your door. She’s holding a newspaper in one hand and has a look of steely determination that immediately puts you on your guard, because steel is dangerous.

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Fan Fiction

Justin Trudeau Fan Fiction, Ch. 3

By Kate

on August 28, 2019 12:31 pm

Thanks to a well-organized email campaign by a few high school students, you are being subjected to another chapter of Justin Trudeau fan fiction.

In case you need to get caught up: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Chapter 3: In Which You Have the Best First Date Ever

It’s hard to believe how quickly things are happening for you.

One week ago, you were just another newly elected member of Canadian Parliament, living in Toronto because you mistakenly thought it was the capital of Canada. And now here you are—living in Ottawa (???), the pretend girlfriend of a prime minister, and the recipient of the 2018 Polio Eradication Champion Award! (OK, maybe “recipient” isn’t the right word. What is the word for when you steal something from Justin Trudeau’s office when he isn’t looking?)

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Profile

A Profile of Boris Johnson

By J.D.

on August 16, 2019 3:57 pm

Usually, you hate to see a bus drive off a cliff. But what if the bus is driving off a cliff because someone convinced the passengers that it was a good idea? Well, then at least you want to see that person where they belong: sitting in the front seat, as the bus tips over the edge and falls toward eternity.

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Profile

Everything You Need to Know About Zuzana Caputova

By J.D.

on June 15, 2019 1:57 pm

In the very first use of our Hotness Ranking Machine, we had it calculate the attractiveness of Slovakia’s newly elected president, Zuzana Čaputová.

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News

New Candle Explosion!

By J.D.

on May 31, 2019 6:37 pm

Don’t worry! We don’t mean a literal explosion. Our candles have never once exploded.

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Profile

Which New Candle Should We Make in 2019?

By J.D.

on February 21, 2019 12:37 pm

I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.

(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)

Global Warming Candle

We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.

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