kremlin.ru
Thank you to everyone who participated in our second official poll! To those of you who didn’t participate… I have nothing more to say to you. Please stop reading this and look out the window so those us of who care about polls and democracy and freedom can have a private conversation.
א / Wikimedia Commons
In all likelihood, no one would find it hard to believe I was leading a secret double life. But this is just because I don’t get a whole lot done in my normal, visible life. “Maybe JD doesn’t actually spend all his time sitting on the couch drinking beer and playing video games. Maybe he’s also working under an assumed name as a gas station attendant, or a pharmaceutical clinical trial subject? Perhaps he’s a bigamist? Because surely there must be more to him than meets the eye.”
Well, yes and no. First of all, I also huff glue while I’m playing video games, to stay alert, and twitchy. Second, people have gross miscomprehensions about how secret double lives actually work. In many cases, it’s the most accomplished people who have secret lives. They have a successful public persona, and as if that weren’t enough, they have a whole second set of accomplishments and activities. Think Bruce Wayne, or Alger Hiss, or Jim McGreevey.
Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg falls into this category.
Kapeksas / Wikimedia Commons
As you may have noticed (if you’re my travel agent) I spent last month in Lithuania. Lithuania is a popular vacation destination for those of us who are stalking Alexander Lukashenko but have been banned from Belarus for one reason or another. While there, I managed to land an imaginary interview with Lithuanian president and boyfriend-stealing hussy Dalia Grybauskaite. The transcript follows.
Kate: Dalia Grybauskaite, I have only one question for you today. Are you or are you not romantically involved with Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko?
Dalia: Wait, what? I thought this was going to be an interview about my black belt in karate.
Kate: Yes, I did invite you here under the premise of questioning you about your unfeminine and unbecoming karate skills, but that was just a clever trick.
Dalia: What do you mean “invite me here”? I was walking to my mailbox and you jumped out from behind a bush!
What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of Sierra Leone? Nothing? Civil War? Diamonds? That beverage that is kinda like Fresca but not really? I’ll tell you what I think about: fancy hats.
Admittedly, this is probably because I was thinking about fancy hats before anyone mentioned Sierra Leone (specifically: fancy cats in fancy hats), but you should remember the equation. Fancy hats = Sierra Leone. Memorize that one. It will be on the quiz.
John Donegan / foreignminister.gov.au
Australia would like you to think that it is a vast outback, populated primarily by kangaroos and koala bears and men with large knives and other men with larger knives who refuse to acknowledge that the men with less-large knives even have knives at all. In other words, an antipodean frontier country being tamed by the descendants of convicts.
The truth, sadly, is a little different.
andry-rajoelina.tv
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!
Andry Rajoelina rolled over in bed, fumbled about groggily on his nightstand and slapped the clock radio. Was it morning already? He knew he’d been up late working on his latest invention – a sunglasses-mounted laser for blinding jocks – but how could he be so sleepy? He blearily opened his eyes, looked at the time, and let out a startled “dang!” He’d overslept! He was late for school! Again!
samoa.usembassy.gov
“My friend, I can tell you are a smart guy, so I’m just going to give it to you straight: I have got a great deal for you.
“You like the beach, right? I mean, who doesn’t like the beach? Buddy, I’ve got a piece of property that is bounded by beach on every single side. What!? I know, can you believe it? This property here, “Samoa,” is an island with like…well I don’t know how many miles of coastline, but believe me, it’s a lot.
Lawrence Jackson / Official White House photo
Dimitris Christofias Sings the Hits of Yesteryear
1950’s crooner and Republic of Cyprus President Dimitris Christofias will be appearing for 60 nights only at the Goldrush! Riverboat Casino beginning June 12th, performing the songs that made your heart melt.
